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5 Tips to increase your assertiveness using NLP and EQ


As an NLP trainer, I am very rarely asked the question: “How do I increase my assertiveness?” I mean – they don’t ask me this question directly. Indirectly, people ask me this question all the time. In the last NLP Training in Los Angeles, a student approached me at what was nearly the end of NLP Practitioner training. I was waiting for it in all honesty, as he seemed to be somewhat hovering around me, not telling me or asking me whatever he needed to. I would have approached him myself later on in the day, but I wanted to see if he would work up the courage himself. I wanted to see how assertive he would be. He handed me a full page of written information about himself. He shared how he struggled with having too many thoughts at once, and how he feared judgment if he spoke up. He didn’t like to be quiet all the time. Nowhere on the note did he say that he was struggling with assertiveness. He was calling it everything else.

What would life be like if you weren’t assertive at all

Have you ever imagined what your life would be like if you had no assertiveness at all? Or 30% less? It would truly be a handicap! How would it affect your work and your personal life? Would it mean you would have never started a relationship with a certain friend, significant other, or business associate?

What is assertiveness according to Emotional Intelligence definitions?

Assertiveness is defined by EQ as the ability to communicate effectively and stand up for oneself while maintaining respect for others. It involves being clear and direct in communication, setting boundaries, and standing up for what one believes in. Assertiveness requires a high level of emotional intelligence, as it is essential to be able to understand and empathize with others while still maintaining one’s own beliefs and values.

What is assertiveness according to NLP?

NLP doesn’t define assertiveness, per se. However, NLP questioning (meta modeling) can reveal what is causing the assertiveness problem, without really needing to know why. It then allows a person to pick from a host of different NLP tools to resolve the problem.

The science of assertiveness

The science of assertiveness is all about understanding how to communicate effectively. People who are assertive know how to stand up for themselves and their beliefs, without crossing the line into aggression or passive behavior. They maintain a sense of self-confidence and control, while also being respectful of others.

There are a few key things that contribute to someone’s ability to be assertive. First, it’s important to have a good sense of self-awareness. This means knowing your own strengths and weaknesses, as well as your personal boundaries. It’s also crucial to be able to accurately read other people’s body language and emotions, in order to understand their point of view.

Once you have this information, it’s then important to learn how to communicate effectively. This includes using clear, concise language, and avoiding emotional outbursts. It’s also important to be willing to compromise, in order to find a solution that works for everyone involved.

What are 5 ways to increase your assertiveness using NLP and EQ

1. Speak up for yourself

If you have a strong opinion or perspective on something, share it. Don’t be afraid to speak up in meetings, social settings, or when negotiating with others. Remember, your voice is just as important as anyone else’s.

2. Stay confident

When asserting yourself, it’s important to stay confident and believe in what you’re saying. Don’t let the other person bully you or talk you down. Be assertive, not aggressive.

3. NLP technique 1

Imagine you can take a step forward into the assertive version of yourself. And out of whatever emotion you feel when you are not being assertive. Imagine that the non-assertive version of yourself is behind you. Focus on your breathing and the person in front of you rather than your thoughts.

4. NLP technique 2

Imagine seeing yourself in a movie in the context you want to be assertive. Play a movie of someone more assertive than you in this movie. What specifically did you learn? What is it that they say and do? What specifically could you do to achieve the same?

5. Focus on smaller steps

Start with small things. If you’re uncomfortable asserting yourself in large situations, start with smaller ones.

The combination of EQ and NLP is a powerful one! By using these tips to increase your assertiveness, you can have the tools you need to need to express yourself more confidently and effectively.



Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself – Dr Aziz Gazipura 

The Art of Everyday Assertiveness: Speak Up. Say No. Set Boundaries. Take Back Control – Patrick King

The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Transform Your RelationshipsJulie de Azevedo Hanks PhD LCSW


NLP: How to Prepare for Any Situation?

How to Become More Assertive?

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